Monday, May 3, 2010

This Week in Review-- College Cocktails Vol. 2 (The Re-Fill)

Due to the popularity of the first "College Cocktails" post, I feel like it's high time to offer my superior opinion on some more of your favorite beverages.  So without further ado, here is College Cocktails Vol. 2 (The Re-Fill)...

COCKTAIL #1 -- The Willie Horton (Olde English High Gravity 800 + 3-4 shots of Hennessey) 

It tastes so bad that it could very well be poisonous or psychedelic, which might explain the violence it induces in its enthusiasts.  The morning after I tried the Willie Horton, I found two dead hookers in my trunk; dismembered and packed tightly in a large, black Glad bag.  At most bars, the Willie Horton is free since its drinkers usually need to save their money to pay bail.  I tried to get Michael Dukakis to endorse this beverage, but he declined to comment.

Rating: Willie Horton

COCKTAIL #2 -- Dirty Girl Scout (White Creme de Menthe + Vodka + Kahlua + Irish Cream)

The Dirty Girl Scout is one wily temptress.  When mixed properly, a Dirty Girl Scout looks like a tall, ominous glass of semen.  However, one sip will indulge your most heinous pedophiliac fantasies about promiscuous girl scouts and you will leave the party with a guilty conscience.  They're so delicious, like your favorite girl scout cookies (no pun).  Drink a Dirty Girl Scout after a big fight with the wife because if you're not getting any sex for a while, at least your taste buds will.

Rating: Statutory rape

COCKTAIL #3 -- The Dirty Mexican (Corona + 3 shots of Bacardi Limon)

Unlike his filthy, destitute brother, Super Beer, Dirty Mexican has actually thrived in the American capitalist economy.  He still doesn't pay his taxes, but he's a got a 6-figure salary and a new, white Mercedes.  He even drives it back to his old barrio every December to hand out Christmas gifts to all the little ni├▒os.  Order a Dirty Mexican at a classy salsa club and you'll forget the Alamo.  Viva Mexico!

Rating: acaudalado! 


Also, if you like this column- suggest more cocktails for review below in the c-section. 

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