Toy Guns These Days > Your Childhood Favorites

During my formative years, you better believe I had a whole fuckin' armory of foam dart and water guns.  But nothing I had could ever compare to the toy guns out now.  Allow me to explain...

Just for a second, reflect on every water gun battle you have ever participated in.  Remember how much it sucked to run out of water?  You were a sitting duck until you found a faucet to refill!  Well, some wise guy over at Water Combat! decided to make a water gun with water clips to make sure you never fun out... how sweet is that??  See it for yourself:


Meanwhile, some Halo nerd decided to create a fully functional Halo assault rifle that shoots Nerf darts:

The weapon was created by Halo cosplayer Moz, who combined a cheap plastic toy gun, a Nerf rifle, and some obvious expertise in ballistics to produce this monster.  It holds three magazines and A LOT of darts:

The Cardinal Sins of Facebook

Despite its popularity and cultural relevance, Facebook is very much a failure in the same way the Internet is.  The Internet was originally intended to be a democratizing agent; a tool for prosocial change.  But today, roughly 20 years later- it's mostly a portal for free porn and reckless anonymity (partially because there is no fiber optic cable in Afghanistan).  Facebook is no different.  Instead of being a platform for social networking, Facebook is a forum for high school and college students to procrastinate and bullshit.  In fact, that's exactly what 90% of Facebook consists of- complete bullshit.

Below is a list of Facebookisms that piss me off the most.  Enjoy, reflect on, and most importantly- avoid these cardinal sins.  Please.  There's only so much mindlessness I can tolerate.

1. Posting "Texts From Last Night" on Your Friend's Wall

Above is a screenshot from a "friend" of mine's wall.   It took me 2 seconds to find.  Why?  BECAUSE EVERY GIRL DOES THIS.  Girls, this makes you look really, really stupid- like someone I could only meet after drinking four Hurricanes.  You wouldn't walk around with a shirt that says, "I'm a dumb ho," would you?  Such blatant displays of cuckoldry are baffling to me.  

2. Hyperbolizing Unnecessarily 

This just isn't funny.  Or clever.  

3. Posting Lengthy, Ominous Song Lyrics as Your Status

It's bad enough that becoming "Facebook Official" is now a crucial step in our generation's relationships (which I suppose no one can help), but this is just inappropriate and awkward.  Cut that shit out guy, you're alienating everyone who visits your profile.  Not to mention that song is completely insane- good luck finding a rebound girl with a status like that.
4. Greek Life Nonsense 

I'm not even going to say anything snarky about this.

*puts on blindfold and runs across the highway*

Fuck American Eagle (And sorry for the hiatus)

It has been too long since I've last posted.  Anyway, as a proud American, let me just say FUCK AMERICAN EAGLE.  I took a US history class this semester to satisfy a requirement and somewhere between us swindling the Indians out of all their land and sending our Japanese citizens to internment camps during WWII, I was reminded of how awesome America is.  It rekindled my patriotism, my allegiance, my passion.

And so when I saw this shirt on some schmuck at work, my blood started to boil:

Are you fucking kidding me?  Look how small the eagle is!  And does it say America... anywhere?!?  Nope.  Just an ugly gray shirt; not even red, white, and blue.  It's like a shirt from Albania or Czechoslovakia or some other former Soviet satellites that's rotting away on the Eastern bloc.  Certainly undeserving of a prestigious "American" brand.  

That is why I'm looking for some venture capital to buy out American Eagle and launch my own clothing company- Bald Eagle.  It's pretty simple- just a bunch of red, white, or blue tee shirts with gigantic bald eagles on them.  Like this one:

It doesn't get much more American than that.  And to celebrate our fascinating history, there will also be shirts adorning still images of America's greatest heroes and triumphs.  Like the mushroom cloud over Hiroshima:

Or our 7th President, Andrew Jackson- the mastermind behind the Trail of Tears and an all around great guy:

So what do guys think?  Good idea?  Let me know in the c-section.

Worst Song of 2010 (So Far) -- California Gurls

Oh Gawd, this song is awful.  My heart gently weeps over Snoop's legacy.  This is so bad that you need to hear it.  Download/stream it below.

Katy Perry - California Gurls feat. Snoop Dogg (usershare)  

*slams head against corner of desk*

*daps Russel Brand for wifin' up Katy*

Germans and Cloud Creating Lasers

This just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen...

German scientists, working in a controlled lab environment, have successfully used a laser to create clouds.  Their next project?  Use this technology to create clouds and rain (on demand) in the skies over Germany.

Below is a video of the controlled experiment, during which scientists shoot a 220-millijoule laser beam into a chamber filled with water-saturated -24 C° air.



Impressive, yes- but this could be easily be used as a biological weapon.  Imagine if some nutcase started generating the perfect storm over NYC?  Be suspicious of Communists and people with sinister-looking mustaches.

This Week in Review-- College Cocktails Vol. 2 (The Re-Fill)

Due to the popularity of the first "College Cocktails" post, I feel like it's high time to offer my superior opinion on some more of your favorite beverages.  So without further ado, here is College Cocktails Vol. 2 (The Re-Fill)...

COCKTAIL #1 -- The Willie Horton (Olde English High Gravity 800 + 3-4 shots of Hennessey) 

It tastes so bad that it could very well be poisonous or psychedelic, which might explain the violence it induces in its enthusiasts.  The morning after I tried the Willie Horton, I found two dead hookers in my trunk; dismembered and packed tightly in a large, black Glad bag.  At most bars, the Willie Horton is free since its drinkers usually need to save their money to pay bail.  I tried to get Michael Dukakis to endorse this beverage, but he declined to comment.

Rating: Willie Horton



COCKTAIL #2 -- Dirty Girl Scout (White Creme de Menthe + Vodka + Kahlua + Irish Cream)

The Dirty Girl Scout is one wily temptress.  When mixed properly, a Dirty Girl Scout looks like a tall, ominous glass of semen.  However, one sip will indulge your most heinous pedophiliac fantasies about promiscuous girl scouts and you will leave the party with a guilty conscience.  They're so delicious, like your favorite girl scout cookies (no pun).  Drink a Dirty Girl Scout after a big fight with the wife because if you're not getting any sex for a while, at least your taste buds will.


Rating: Statutory rape


COCKTAIL #3 -- The Dirty Mexican (Corona + 3 shots of Bacardi Limon)

Unlike his filthy, destitute brother, Super Beer, Dirty Mexican has actually thrived in the American capitalist economy.  He still doesn't pay his taxes, but he's a got a 6-figure salary and a new, white Mercedes.  He even drives it back to his old barrio every December to hand out Christmas gifts to all the little niños.  Order a Dirty Mexican at a classy salsa club and you'll forget the Alamo.  Viva Mexico!

Rating: acaudalado! 

TO BE CONTINUED... 

Also, if you like this column- suggest more cocktails for review below in the c-section. 

New Music [Wednesdays] Volume 2

***NEW MUSIC***

J. Cole just released the first single off his upcoming debut album, Cole World, due out later this year.... Cole!

DOWNLOAD: J. Cole- Who Dat (CDQ) [usershare]

Above is the 30-second promo for Curren$y's first single off his next album, Pilot Talk.  It's available on iTunes for purchase...

PURCHASE: Curren$y- King Kong (iTunes)

Electrofunk, UK indie, afropop... another dope project from Theophilus.  Hosted by Va$htie. 

DOWNLOAD: Theophilus London- I Want You (Mixtape)

EDIT- Just listened to the whole tape and it is INCREDIBLE.  Definitely give this a listen.

Two joints off Madlib’s Medicine Show #5: The History of Loop Digga, dropping May 25th.

DOWNLOAD: Madlib-  Static Invasion (usershare)

DOWNLOAD:- Madlib- Episode XVI (usershare)

Verse from Killa! + Hook from CuDi + Alchemist beat?  That's not not gonna be dope.  Random, but dope.

DOWNLOAD: Cam'ron & Vado feat. Kid CuDi (prod. Alchemist) [usershare]

Bonus track off The Adventures of Bobby Ray, which is out now.

DOWNLOAD: B.o.B.- Can I Fly (usershare)