Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's (I love The Onion)

Many years from now, I believe Denny's cultural significance will transcend its current, one-dimensional existence as a cheap, corporate restaurant chain.  Someday, when the time comes for historians and political scientists to decide our generation's place in American history, Denny's will be the unit of analysis in its own empirical study.

My Hypothetical Denny's Experiment (briefly outlined):

Unit of analysis: Denny's restaurant patrons in the U.S.
Independent variable: Reasons why Denny's is awesome
Dependent variable: Level of intelligence
Control variable: Percent of U.S. population

My Hypothetical Denny's Experiment (the unfortunate results):

Independent Variables:               Causality?              Dependent Variables:                % of US:
(why is Denny's aweome?)                                        (how smart are you?)
--check all that apply--
1. Great food                                   Yes                           Forrest Gump > you                  80
2. It's fancy                                      Yes                          Ayn Rand stoopid                       90
3. Healthy food                               Yes                      Your IQ straddles room temp.        80
4. It's a great place
to watch the lower rungs
of our society act like animals        Yes                        Unlike the guy in the booth
in their natural habitat                                         adjacent to you with the NASCAR
                                                                            tee shirt and handlebar mustache
                                                                            with crumbs in it, you are smart.
                                                                            You appreciate the novelty of
                                                                            Denny's.  You are the minority.         20


I'm being serious.  I've been to a couple Denny's in my 20 (soon to be 21) years on this Earth and literally every single one has fit all the stereotypes.  Dimwitted patrons?  Check.  Waitresses missing more than three of their teeth?  Check.  Greasy, processed, probably microwaved food?  Definitely check (and to think I only had to spend $4.50... what a deal!).

And I didn't even see the kitchen.  Thank gawd.  It's still a rumor but I heard that they filmed The Descent in the Denny's kitchen in Syracuse (my beloved college town).

So you can imagine how happy I was when I stumbled upon this video on The Onion:


Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's